«Will those liberals never give up?» he’d say in his voice that seemed to make tremble the sturdy Roseiral.
Despite living constantly isolated, as if inside an invisible bell jar made of hatred against the rest of the world, my Father was a man who liked being near the action. So, every time there was a new development in the struggle between absolutists and liberals, he’d take a coach, the coach driver and went to meet the events. He usually travelled alone but this time he decided to take his family with him.
On the day he heard the news of what was happening in Oporto, my Father sent for us – for Luz and I – and announced:
«Be ready to travel early in the morning tomorrow. We are going to spend a few days with Aunt Francisca.» «We’re going to Oporto?» Luz asked, in surprise. «Yes. It seems like the liberals are at it again. I want to go there and see first hand what’s happening. And I want you to come with me. Your Aunt Francisca hasn’t seen you since you were little. And you Pedro, you’ll have the chance to watch your precious little idols being crushed, since the absolutists have already started to retaliate.» «Yeah, they probably retaliate on the wives and children of our men!» I retorted, more to offend him than for thinking that it was true. «“Our men!” Just listen to him! It’s not my son, the man who speaks like this.»
I opened my mouth to reply but I felt my sister squeezing my arm as if begging me not to let the argument go any further. My Father noticed the gesture too and chose to leave things at that. «Warn Cecília and Diogo» he said, changing the subject. «They’re coming with us. I don’t know how long we’ll be staying and I don’t want to steal your Aunt’s servants from their work».
Going to Oporto, where an attempt to install Liberalism was happening at that very moment, was in itself appealing, but being able to share that moment with Diogo made things even more attractive and so I ran to tell him the news.
«And D. José wants me to go?» Diogo said, in surprise. «I thought he’d want to keep you as far away as possible from any liberal.» «He thinks he can teach me a lesson. I’ll prove to him that my commitment to the liberal ideals is not just some youthful whim.»
The next morning, the whole family, and also Cecília and Diogo, got up early. But I believe I was the first to wake up, for I had hardly slept at all. I had merely rolled in bed, impatient for the time to leave. However, when I looked through the window after getting dressed, Diogo was already placing our luggage on the carriage. It must have been around twenty to six. The sky was only now getting lighter and a few stars were still visible. On the horizon, there were tinges of red and orange. Since I was ready, I went to meet my friend.
«We’ll have hot weather for the journey», I remarked, as I helped him place the last suitcase on the carriage. «Beats travelling through muddy roads».
Luz was the next one to join us. She was wearing a dress of a very soft pink and white lace gloves. I noticed she seemed sad and looking at me strangely. «Don’t look at me as if I was leaving alone and for good», I said half serious, half joking. «If you knew how I fear this trip...» «What are you afraid of?»
Maria da Luz was silent for a moment and then exclaimed: «Pedro, promise me that if there’s fighting over there, you won’t take part in it!» «I can’t promise you that». «Oh, Diogo, promise me for him! Swear to me that you won’t let him get involved in any skirmishes!»
Diogo was going to reply but I didn’t give him a chance.
«Diogo cannot promise for me. You have no right to ask him that. He’s my friend, not my Father. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t control my decisions». «You’re right... You won’t listen even to Father...»
Seeing my sister’s heavy-hearted expression, Diogo looked reproachingly at me.
«Give me your hand, Miss Luz. I’ll help you up.»
Luz obeyed and when she was already inside the carriage, Diogo recommended: «You shouldn’t be so harsh when you talk to your sister. She is worried and the truth is she has a point.»
I opened my mouth to reply but I saw Cecília coming towards us and I thought it wouldn’t be the right place for an argument about the issue, so I said nothing.
Cecília arrived carrying a basket with the food for the journey, got in the carriage, sat next to my sister and I got in too. When my Father arrived, Diogo jumped in the driver’s seat and began our journey. As I had gathered from the colours in the sky, there was a pretty hot day and around noon my Father told Diogo to look for a shade where we cold rest, for Luz, used to the seclusion of the Roseiral, was starting to feel giddy because of the heat and the bumpy road.
As soon as Diogo found the craved shade, we got out, sat on a blanket that Cecília had brought for that purpose and ate some of the delicacies she had cooked. We rested there for almost an hour, until Luz was feeling better, and then we were on our way again.
It was a quarter to eleven p.m. when we arrived at the house of Aunt Francisca and since we knew she rarely went to bed before half past eleven, we were in no risk of awaking her up.
We all got out of the carriage, rather tired and sore. And while Diogo was getting our luggage out, my Father knocked on the door. We heard steps coming towards the door and Aunt Francisca herself – the servants were already asleep – opened. She let out an exclamation which was both for surprise and joy: «Praised be the Lord, my darling nephews!»
Aunt Francisca was my Mother’s older sister and she was fifteen years older than she would have been if she were alive. She had married very young and had been a widow for the past eight years, which had caused her to age quite a lot. Despite being only 51, her face looked the face of an old lady, but was extremely agreeable due to her gentle and kind eyes. She called my Father “brother” and maybe because she had never had children, she loved us as if we were hers. «Come in, come in! Have you had dinner yet? I already ate but we can still fix you something.» «Thank you, Francisca» my Father said, «we already ate on the road. Please forgive us for coming without warning.» «Oh, don’t be silly!»
While Cecília and Diogo carried our luggage to the rooms designated by Aunt Francisca, we were led by her to living room, where we sat down. «Anyway, what brings you here?» But her smile soon faded and before any of us had a chance to answer, she exclaimed: «Don’t tell me it’s because of that Belfast business! There’s been no talk about anything else since the damn boat arrived.» «That’s exactly it, my dear sister.» «Oh dear» she said, looking alternately at my Father and me. «Do you still argue about that?» But as if guessing the question could spark an argument right there and then, she answered herself: «Well, it doesn’t matter!» And changing the subject: «You’re all grown up! You’re a man, Pedro! And you, my child, you look just like your Mother, God rest her soul! It’s like having Luisinha here again...»
My Father used to travel frequently to Oporto, because it was almost always there that the events connected to the war that was about to break out took place, but Luz and I had not seen Aunt Francisca in a long time. In fact, too long to remember anything about her. And so we were rediscovering with pleasure how likable she was. «You must be tired from the trip,» she said. «I’ll go see if Cecília has finished arranging your things in the rooms.»
Aunt Francisca left and came back ten minutes later.
«Everything is in its place. You’ll have to forgive me but the house is not as big as the Roseiral, so you’ll have to make some concessions.
«José, you’ll stay in the large room, as usual. Luz and Cecília will sleep in the small room which was meant for the child that God denied us. I mean, you if don’t mind Cecília sleeping in the same room as you.» «Of course I don’t, Aunt.»
As soon as I had a chance, I bade good night to Aunt Francisca and the rest of my family and claiming I was exhausted, I retired to the room where I’d be sleeping.
Just as in the Roseiral, there was a small annex next to kitchen, and that’s where the rooms of the servants were.
The room where Diogo and I would be staying was not very big but it looked welcoming. The bed linens were simple and some blankets had already been mended more than once but for some reason that I can’t explain, I couldn’t help thinking they’d probably feel more cosy than the ones on the luxurious but cold rooms of the Roseiral.
When I went in the room, Diogo was already lying in his bed, but still awake and the candle on his bedside table was lit.
«I believe my Mother left your pyjamas behind the folding screen» he said.
«This is great! It’s just like when we were little, remember?» «Sure, we were like brothers.» «We still are, Diogo.» «I know, I didn’t mean...» «I know what you meant. Back then we were allowed to be like brothers and now we have to act like master and servant.» «It’s not your fault.» «If you’d at least agree not to call me “sir”...»
Diogo let out an amused laughter.
«It is just like when we were little!» he exclaimed. «I remember having a conversation just like this one. Do you still remember what I told you then?» «Something about not disobeying your Mother and my Father... You also said that it made no difference to our friendship.» «Then I don’t need to say anything else», he said.
Diogo blew out his candle, said good night and turned to the other side to sleep. I said good night too but I was too excited with the idea of seeing the city after the arrival of the liberals, and maybe even teaching a lesson to some absolutist I might find along the way, so I only fell asleep some two hours later. The result was being really sleepy in the morning, when Cecília came to knock on our door, like she used to do when Diogo and I still slept in the same room in the Roseiral.
«Come on, rise and shine!» she said on the other side of the door. «Don’t be late for breakfast.» I couldn’t resist the temptation of turning to the other side and ignore the recommendation but I eventually woke up as I felt some light object land on me. Diogo had thrown his pillow at me and was laughing at my startled look. «I feel like staying in bed until noon!» I grumbled. «I thought you were in a hurry to take a walk through the city, see the damage...»
The argument used by Diogo made me forget how sleepy I felt that very instant. I jumped off bed, poured water from a jug into a basin, washed myself, went behind the folding screen where I had left my clothes and got dressed. There was no point in waiting for Diogo, since we wouldn’t be having breakfast together anyway, so I told him: «I’ll meet you in the kitchen after breakfast.»
When I entered the dining room, rushed and still buttoning a cuff on my shirt, the family had already gathered around the table.
«I’m sorry I’m late» I said as I sat down. «I was so tired I slept like a rock. «Don’t worry about that», my Aunt replied. «I’m glad you slept well».
Breakfast was more cheerful than it used to be in the Roseiral. Around my Aunt Francisca’s permanent high spirits, no silence lasted long. However, when I was already thinking that for the first time in many months I would be sharing a peaceful meal with my Father, he addressed me and immediately something in his voice made me tremble. «Pedro» he said, as he spread strawberry jam on a slice of bread. «I’m going to see a friend this morning. I should like you to come with me.»
As much as he was trying to sound natural, I knew he wanted to take me to see some old absolutist wielding his power, his influence on the political scene, against the liberal cause, so I said: «I appreciate the invitation but I had already planned to take a walk through the city.»
Luz looked at me with sadness and Aunt Francisca seemed surprised at my hostile manner.
«Forgive me for interfering, son» she said. «But you’ll have many days to see the city. Why don’t you keep your Father company for today?»
I felt like shouting that I knew exactly what he was up to, but I didn’t want to be rude in the house of someone who was being so hospitable to us, so I said, without shouting but in a firm voice: «You can’t expect someone of my age to spend the day cooped up in a house with you and your friends. Besides, I already asked Diogo to accompany me to town.»
It hadn’t been without malice that I had brought Diogo’s name into the conversation. I could very well have omitted that fact, but the quarrels with my Father had become almost like a bad habit and I knew that my friendship with Diogo, a servant, son of a liberal, exasperated him. And I knew that by implying in front of my sister and Aunt that I preferred Diogo’s company to his would make him feel humiliated and spark another argument. But I regretted those words as soon as I uttered them, for I knew that I was unwittingly arousing my Father’s hatred for Diogo.
Angrily, my Father shouted: «Diogo is not leaving this house! I didn’t bring him to stroll around the city. He is a servant and your Aunt might need him!»
It was my turn to lose my temper and I retorted as I stood up: «Diogo is our servant, not Aunt Francisca’s, and I want him to come with me! I’m sure Aunt won’t object».
My Aunt intervened, trying to prevent the argument from going any further. «Pedro is right» she said. «Why shouldn’t he take Diogo? He’s going to need someone to drive the horses. I won’t be needing him. There are more than enough servants in this house.»
Seeing that my Father wasn’t going to contradict her, I seized the moment to leave the room.
«If you’ll excuse me» I said. «Diogo is waiting for me».
I withdrew from the dining room and went into the kitchen, where I found Diogo and Cecília, and also two of Aunt Francisca’s housemaids, who seemed surprised to see me, for they were not used to having guests invading their kitchen.
«Good morning», I said. And turning to my friend, I asked: «Diogo, are you ready?» «Yes, I’m ready, but...»
Diogo seemed to be hesitating.
«But what?» «I didn’t mean to pry but I could not help but overhear... Your Father wasn’t too keen on the idea of me coming with you. Perhaps you shouldn’t disobey him». «Don’t worry. Aunt Francisca calmed him down. This is her house and she is happy to let you come».
Nevertheless, Diogo and I left through the kitchen door, not so much because it was the nearest one but so that we wouldn’t have to pass by my Father.
We decided not to take the horses, for that would expose my status as a nobleman and I wanted to move unnoticed through the crowd.
The streets were filled with commotion. Everywhere around there were common people shouting not so flattering words against D. Miguel’s absolutist regime and at the same time praising the liberals from the Belfast.
For me, and also for my friend, it was a completely new and exciting experience. Some of the men that had come in the ship were strolling around, greeting the people, and like everyone who was there, Diogo and I also looked at them like true heroes, giants capable of conquering everything and everyone. The shouting, the enthusiasm of those people, it was all contagious and I had a strange feeling in my chest. It was like a tightness, but a tightness that felt good, that made me feel more alive, as if my heart was about to leap out through my mouth.
But something happened that made those men and women – some carrying children in their arms – start running and screaming in such a way that no one could make out what they were saying. Although at first I could not understand what was happening, soon the explanation came for the stampede. There were soldiers coming from everywhere – some on foot, some on their horses – and they were in pursuit of the people, shooting against anyone who dared speak ill of D. Miguel and his policies.
To our horror, bodies started to fall, hit by the soldier’s bullets – bodies of common men, of young women – and very soon, in the streets where minutes ago you could hear shouting and the lively voices of the crowd, silence was broken only by the sound of the horse’s hooves and the soldier’s boots. Streets became desolate. Except for those who had been caught by a bullet before they could run to safety, there was no one to be seen.
Diogo and I had taken shelter in an old house that lay in ruins and my heart stopped when a band of those fierce murderers passed hurriedly by us.
«I thought we were going to die!...», I exclaimed, after they had moved away. «So did I...»
The streets were now plunged in the deepest silence. Fearfully, Diogo and I got out of our hiding place and looked around us, at the bodies lying on the paved streets. It was a depressing spectacle and I felt nauseous. There was nothing I could do, but still, I couldn’t force myself to leave that place. Diogo must have felt the same, for he wasn’t moving either. But something called us back to reality. A sound – a moan – made us look in the direction of one of the bodies lying in the street. There was still life in him. I immediately ran towards the dying man, followed by Diogo. It was a boy maybe 17 or 18 years old, who had been shot in his belly. From the expression in his face and his hushed moaning, you could see he was in severe pain. There was nothing we could do for him. We had no idea where to find a doctor and even if we did, it was not likely that he could save him. All we could do was helping him endure those moments of pain before death. «I don’t wanna die...», he wailed.
I was too emotional to speak and Diogo was too honest to tell him he was not going to die, even if just to comfort him.
«My Mother... My Mother is waiting for me... I cannot die...»
It was useless, but instinct led me to try and stop the bleeding with my scarf.
«Tell her I died for a righteous cause... please».
I could see Diogo open his mouth to speak, but he didn’t have time. The boy had just exhaled his last breath.
«I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to ask who his Mother was. I should have liked to fulfil his last wish».
Up until then I had felt mostly dread, confusion, and pity for those who had lost their lives in that revenge of the miguelites, but in that moment I felt hatred so intense that it made my whole body tremble. «Damned be those absolutists!», I yelled.
But I soon wished I hadn’t said that, as I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder. I turned around and saw four soldiers. They were probably coming to check if their raid had been successful. At first, I was surprised that they didn’t just put a bullet through each of us. But I gathered that maybe because of the way I was dressed they had realised I was a nobleman and that they could get in trouble if they killed me or a servant of mine.
«You are both under arrest», said the one who had touched me. «May I ask why?», I inquired in a harsh tone. «You are sympathizers of the liberals. We saw you watching those troublemakers and now you were helping one of them».
I had a mind to tell him to go to hell, of shouting to him that I had every right to be a liberal and that it was the only true cause that one could defend, but Diogo, who always managed to keep a cool head longer me, said politely but in a firm voice: «We were helping a dying boy. We arrived in the city yesterday and didn’t know what all this commotion was about. We watched out of simple curiosity. We were helping this boy because we think no one should die alone. That’s not a crime».
The soldier seemed to be hesitating. «In that case, can you tell me you are not liberal agitators?» «We are not agitators. If we are liberals or not is for us to know». «Anyway, you’ll have to come with me».
I didn’t know what would be wiser: run and risk taking a bullet or go with them, but since they couldn’t hold us in prison for long on those charges, I said to Diogo: «Perhaps it’s best to do as they say».
Diogo agreed and we both followed the guards peacefully.
We were taken to their headquarters and they put us in the same cell, which already contained some six or seven other men, accused of similar offences. They were all common men and looked with some distrust at my nobleman outfit.
We didn’t know for how long they would keep us there and Diogo called me to a corner of the cell to tell me: «Perhaps it would be better to send for your Father. God only knows what they’ll do to us and it’s not worth risking your head for something you didn’t do».
I knew Diogo was not a coward and was not afraid to face death for an ideal. It was for me that he spoke like that.
«They accuse us of being sympathizers of the liberals and that’s what we are», I replied. «I will not hide under D. José’s wing». «It’s pride that makes you speak like that. And that pride doesn’t make sense. It could cost you your life». «Listen, if you were me, wouldn’t you do the same?»
Diogo didn’t say anything but gave me a friendly pat on my shoulder. And so it was decided that I would not send for my Father and that we’d wait for our fate together and see what was in store for us. However, minutes after we had been placed in the cell, one of the guards approached and, addressing to me, he said: «I need your names».
I knew that telling him my surname would be like a passport to get out of there, for my relatives were known for holding high nobility titles for centuries, but concealing it could be seen by the guard as disrespect or even another offence, so I said: «Pedro José Castanheira Ávila».
I could see the man was trying to read through my eyes. He’d recognized a noble surname and wasn’t sure what to do.
«Are you a relative of D. José Ávila?»
It was my turn to be surprised. «Do you know him?» «I’ll ask the questions, if you don’t mind». «He’s my Father». «D. José is a good friend». And turning to Diogo: «And you are?...» «Diogo is a servant in hour home. And a friend», I replied. And guessing what the guard was going to say next, I declared: «If you intend to let me go out of consideration for my Father, I should warn you that I won’t leave without Diogo». «It’s a pity that you’re so stubborn. If you’d agree to go without your servant...» «Friend», I corrected. «Ok, without your friend, I could avoid bothering your Father. I could tell him that I caught Diogo on his own. But to let you both go I’ll have to send for D. José». «First of all», I retorted, «you are not a true friend to my Father, for you were willing to lie to him in exchange for just another prisoner. Secondly, if you think your threats scare me, you are wrong. I know exactly what Diogo and I did and it was nothing for which we can be convicted. And above all, I would never betray a friend, especially Diogo. So if you want to send for my Father, do it. But if you dare tell him that you found Diogo on his own in that street, I’ll make sure he sees the kind of friend that you are».
My words had rendered the guard speechless. I had managed to take his strength – his friendship with my Father – and turn it into a weakness. Both he and I knew that I held the strongest position and he chose to leave without saying another word.
Diogo came talk to me. «I thank you for what you did». «You shouldn’t thank me. You shouldn’t expect me to act in any other way». «And I didn’t. But it was still an act of courage».
The other prisoners – some young like us, others older – who had looked distrustfully at us at first, seemed to have acquired a new respect for us after the argument with the guard. «Were you arrested for being liberals?», asked a man in his 50’s, trying to start the communication.
Diogo and I exchanged looks, not sure how wise it would be to tell the truth, but realising our fear, the man said: «Don’t be afraid, these are all good men. Men of D. Pedro, not of D. Miguel. I suppose we’re here for the same reasons». «To be honest, we were just watching what was happening. We were arrested for helping a wounded man». «Of course!», exclaimed a boy even younger than me or Diogo, with very vivacious eyes. «Sons of noblemen! Why the hell do they interfere in our struggle? To feel like great heroes? You can never be true liberals».
It was the first time that someone accused me of not being a true liberal and I felt as hurt as I was furious that someone was questioning my feelings and what I would be willing to give for the cause. I almost forgot I was dealing with someone younger than me and punched him, but Diogo tried using words to convince him of the sincerity of our beliefs.
«I’m as humble as you are, but Sir Pedro is my best friend. I understand how you feel, but he is not some hypocritical nobleman trying to show off how brave he is. If so, he would have let his Father think I was the only responsible for us being in prison, in exchange for his freedom». «Oh, come on! If he didn’t do it, it was out of sheer vanity!» «Shut up, João Carlos!», commanded the man who had first spoken to us. «It seems to me that you’re the one who’s becoming vain. Our cause needs people, no matter where they come from».
And turning to us: «Never mind my grandson. He’s still quite green and he thinks he can conquer the whole world on his own, but he is a good allied to the cause».
With a sulky face, the boy shrugged his shoulders, but did not retort.
While we were waiting to be told what our fate would be, we took advantage of the time to get to know all those people, who like us had been brought there after falling victims of D. Miguel’s Government, and we ended up friends of even the young João Carlos.
The guard came to interrupt our conversation; this time, followed by my Father who, standing behind him, had a harsh look on his face. His expression, heavier than usual, made him look older. For the first time, I realised how that dense beard gave me the creeps.
The guard opened the cell, motioned for Diogo and me to get out and we all went to a tiny sitting room, where the guard explained: «My men arrested them because they were helping a liberal agitator». «We were helping a wounded man», I corrected.
The guard continued: «Nowadays we can’t take any chances. It’s only natural that my men thought they were sympathizers of the liberal cause. Anyway, your family is always above suspicion of course, and so we sent for you immediately».
But my Father didn’t seem pleased. «If you really had any consideration for my family you wouldn’t have needed to send for me», he retorted in a bitter tone. «You could just have let the boys go, there was no need for me to collect them. You sent for me because you don’t really believe they’re innocent». «You understand... Pedro is above suspicion but Diogo... Diogo is a servant and your son... Your son is young, it would be natural for him to have distorted views about what loyalty is and lie to protect a friend. I hope you’re not angry with me». «Angry? No... But I resent it. I hope this won’t happen again».
And without shaking the guard’s hand, my Father turned his back, followed by us. He had brought the carriage and perhaps to avoid having to make the way home alone with me, he ordered Diogo to get in and he himself took the driver’s seat.
When we arrived, my Aunt and Maria da Luz stared at us with a worried look. My Father ordered Diogo to join the other servants and asked Luz and Aunt Francisca to let him talk to me in private. My sister, however, grabbed my arm and asked: «Pedro, are you alright? Didn’t they hurt you?» «Your brother is fine. Now leave us». «I’m alright», I said too, to tranquilize her. «Do as Father says».
Luz reluctantly let Aunt Francisca take her to out of there.
When we were left alone, my Father stared at me and there was hate in his eyes. I knew he would want to punish me, and more curious than afraid I tried to imagine what kind of punishment he could be thinking about. I asked myself if he’d have the courage to give me a beating despite the fact that I was already 17, and how I’d react if he did. Would I endure the punishment in silence, although certain that I was right? Or would I use force, even if to do that I’d have to forget the respect that prevents a son to hit his Father, even when he is unfair? Perhaps he’d send me back to the Roseiral, to avoid any more contact with the liberals... I thought he might dismiss Diogo, for it would be the best way to punish us both in an equally painful manner. This last possibility scared me and with all the tension, my forehead became covered in droplets of sweat. My Father, however, didn’t seem to notice the ramblings of my mind. He sat down and motioned for me to do the same. I obeyed without uttering a word. «I don’t want you to ever come back to the Roseiral», he said abruptly.
It was as if someone had pulled a rug from under my feet, or as if someone had violently punched me in my stomach and I had become completely dizzy. It was, after all, as if my world had been taken from me. «What?», I said, not quite sure of what I had just heard. «You heard right. I’m throwing you out of the house. You’re not my son anymore».
I felt my heart beat out of time and seeing the calmness, the undisturbed look with which my Father uttered those words so harsh, I felt even more disconcerted. When we argued, it was usually him that ended up losing his temper and go from reason to rage. And I used to feel kind of triumphant when he ran out of arguments. Now, it was my turn to feel that no matter what I would say, it would be useless. In a few seconds, I saw everything I would be forced to leave behind: the manor which had always been my home and where, despite everything, I had always had a family. I wouldn’t see Maria da Luz so soon. I saw images of our childhood. I would be leaving behind an entire life. I would be leaving Cecília, who had always cherished me like she did her own son. I wouldn’t again look at my Mother’s portrait that hung in one of the halls of the manor. And despite everything, I knew I would miss my Father. I hated him for what he stood for and defended, but I could not stop myself from loving him. I understood now that all those times when I had thrown in his face that I wouldn’t mind living away from him, I had lied without knowing it. For a moment, I was able to swallow my pride and say: «You can’t do that...»
The hatred is his eyes was gone. There was only grief now. And I could see that he meant it when he said: «I’m sorry, Pedro. I wish you no harm. But if I forgave you today, I’d never forgive myself. It’s better if you just go». «I wasn’t asking for forgiveness. I don’t believe I did anything wrong. I was just asking you to accept me as I am. It was obviously a mistake».
The harshness of my words brought the hate back. «Say goodbye to you sister. I had planned to stay longer but we’ll go back to Coimbra tomorrow. I already spoke with your Aunt. She says you can remain here until you find a place to stay. By the way, I have also told Cecília that I would have to dismiss Diogo. Your Aunt Francisca, who is to kind for her own good, says he can stay in her service until he finds work in another household.
After tomorrow, I don’t want you to ever look for us again. Neither for me nor for Maria da Luz».
A thousand thoughts were going through my mind as my Father spoke. At first, I had felt scared and also a little hurt but now I felt only anger, for I didn’t think he had the right to deprive me of contact with my own sister. «You can’t do that! You have no right to impose your will on Luz or me!» «If your sister disobeys, I’m sure she’ll always have a place in this house».
I didn’t know how to retort and my Father withdrew from the living room. In the moment that I was left alone in that room, I felt completely forlorn, desperately alone and I had the feeling that in the near future, that would be the aspect of my life.
My first impulse was to go to Maria da Luz and tell her to leave that despotic old man, but I soon realised how that would have been foolish and selfish. I didn’t know how my life would be like from now on. I couldn’t stay in Aunt Francisca’s house forever and I couldn’t ask Luz to leave the comfort and safety of the Roseiral for a life that I wasn’t sure I could give her.
I decided to follow my Father’s advice. I knew Luz must be in her room and so I went there and knocked on the door. Luz opened immediately and from her expression I gathered she must have remained there, behind the door, anxiously waiting to know the content of our conversation. «May I come in?», I asked.
Luz became paler, maybe because she thought that if I preferred to speak to her in the privacy of her room instead of going to the living room it was because it was serious.
I sat on the edge of the bed and motioned for her to do the same. «What’s the matter?», she asked. «You look disheartened and you’re not usually like that when Father lectures you...» «Father decided to go back to Coimbra tomorrow», I said without the courage to tell her everything in one sitting. «Is that all? Well, to tell you the truth, I’m relieved. Here I’m always worried. With you and with Father». «I won’t be going with you, Luz». «You won’t? You decided to stay for a little while longer? Perhaps that’s a good idea. You and Father need some time away from each other. I’m sure Aunt Francisca won’t mind. I’d stay and keep you company but you have Diogo, I’m sure he’s staying with you, and I can’t leave Father alone.
Luz had spoken so fast and I was feeling so dismayed that I hadn’t managed to interrupt her. However, when she finished, I was able to say: «No, Luz. I’m never going back to the Roseiral».
Luz looked worriedly at me and stammering she said: «What are you saying? Not coming back... I understand you are angry with Father but... Listen, I don’t know what he said to you, maybe he insulted you, but leaving your home... Can’t you forgive him? For me?»
I had always loved my sister but never until that moment had I felt such tenderness for her. That girl standing in front of me, suffering because of me, holding my hands, brought to my memory my Mother’s portrait. And I couldn’t help thinking that if it was in my power, for her, I’d stay. «Oh, Luz... believe that the last thing I want to do is leaving you in the hands of that bitter old man. But there’s nothing I can do. I’m not going because I want to defy Father. I’m going because he asked me to». «Father... threw you out of the house? But that’s crazy! He didn’t know what he was saying... He was angry... I’ll talk to him. I’m sure that...»
After several failed attempts to interrupt that torrent of words, I finally managed to make her stop talking by placing a finger on her lips. «I don’t want you to do anything. It’s for the best that this happened now. It would have happened sooner or later and this way we avoid saying to each other things we might never be able to forgive». «But you’ll come visit us, won’t you? I will see you again...» «Please, Luz, be strong so that I won’t have to lie to you. I don’t know when I’ll see you again. Father doesn’t want me to contact you». «What?! But he has no right! If he thinks he can forbid me to see my own brother...» «Please, Luz. Don’t defy him. Don’t defy him for me. One day, when you are a married woman, I will visit you in your home and there will be nothing he can say. But for now, I don’t even know what I’ll do with my own life. I don’t know for how long I’ll stay here or where I’ll go after that. I don’t want you to be without a home because of me. Promise me you won’t say anything to him. Promise me, please». «But...» «Promise me».
Despite herself, she eventually said: «I promise».
After speaking with Luz, I thought I should go talk to Diogo, for he too would suffer the consequences of that brief adventure. I found him in the kitchen, having with Cecília a conversation similar to the one I’d had with Luz.
«Forgive me for interrupting», I said. «I came in a bad time. I’ll be back to talk to you, Diogo».
But Cecília wouldn’t let me go and cried as she threw her arms around my neck. «Oh, Master Pedro! What’ll become of me without the two of you? Why did you anger D. José so much?» «Now, now, Cecília. I don’t want to see you like this. My Father may forbid me from contacting the Roseiral, but he can’t stop you and your son from writing to each other, and I’ll send news in his letters. I know it’s not the same as being together but who knows, maybe some day...»
Diogo interrupted me and said to Cecília: «Mother, I already explained to you that it’s not our choice and both Sir Pedro and I love you very much. Listen, Sir Pedro and I have to talk about what’s happening. Now, promise me that you won’t be crying». «Don’t worry about me. Just go. I’ll be alright». «Are you sure?», I asked.
In reply, Cecília tried to force herself to smile and Diogo and I went to talk in our room.
We were both scared, but at the same time thrilled with the idea of figuring out what to do with our lives from that moment on. With a shiver of excitement running through our bodies, and each trying to find in the other the trifle of fear that was in ourselves, we made countless plans, things we wanted to do in the long run.
We wanted to do something useful, fight for our ideals, change the country, change the world. But we couldn’t reach a decision, so we thought we’d think about that after our families’ departure and decided to spend the rest of the day with them.
My Father must have realised that need that we felt of spending that day together, for he asked my Aunt to have his meals served in his bedroom.
I was angry with my Father, but I could not help but appreciate his gesture and I repayed him by saying goodbye to Luz and Cecília that night so he wouldn’t have to see him in the morning. However, I watched them leave the next morning, through the partially open curtain of my bedroom window.
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